Never did I think that my 25th and 26th years would involve so much learning and self-revelation. While in college I thought that I was at the epitome of learning about myself, what I wanted and who I wanted to be. However, I feel like each day this past year or so has been a brick to the head learning experience for me. I have been doggy-paddling in one of the most stressful times of my life. In attempting to balance school, work, home, money, life, family, friends I’ve driven myself mad. My body is reacting completely differently to stress as of late - no more are the headaches and constant need to clean, it is those things in addition to nausea and avoidance. It took me a while, but I’ve realized that I can’t do it all, however, dealing with my feelings of inadequacy have been the most difficult to overcome. Everyday I have been learning more about myself and my limits and I’m so tired of learning lessons about what I can and cannot handle. I’m tired of learning; I’m learning too much, too quickly.
Although I enjoy growing and changing as an individual, I’m really growing weary of constant confrontation with challenges and obstacles. Yet, I’ve found I can’t hide, because they don’t go away. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger right? Well, I feel like I’ve been killed 10 times already.
How do I deal with this stuff without adding another item on my “to-do” list? Is it possible to learn “too much?”
Yes this has been a rant and I’m never sure if I really hit on the points of this blog, but I’m at this point in my life where I would like to just “be” for a while, not make any life-changing decisions, watch Coronation Street and eat Tofu spring rolls.
cindy
Genevieve
theshrew
Erin
qcpguestblogger
erin f.
6 comments
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May 13, 2008 at 7:58 am
Mome-rath
Oh, man, I hear you, Erin. The past two years of my life have seen far more change than my college years ever did. Take the immediate present: I’m getting married in t-minus eleven days (and we’re doing everything ourselves—it’s a small, non-traditional affair, but when you insist on hand-making every element yourself, it’s a lot to handle), traveling abroad immediately afterwards, preparing new artwork for exhibitions simultaneously, and picking up my entire life and moving in two months. All this after what turned out to be somewhat major surgery/rehabilitation this spring. When I tell people this they say, “You’re insane! How will you do it all?” And yet I continue to make still more commitments—teaching, new artwork, trying to maintain some semblance of a social life, etc.
Sometimes I think to myself, “Hey, wait, you need to slow down, say no, take on less.” And maybe that’s true, to some extent. I’m even getting better at turning down requests, so I suppose there’s some progress there. But then I think of the other side of this coin: would I be who I am if I weren’t ambitious? Would I love life so much if I didn’t try to take advantage of every second? And would we, as twenty-somethings, get anywhere in our lives/careers/educations if we *didn’t* work this hard at everything? This is all rather rambly, I know, but I just wanted to let you know that your post really struck a chord with me.
Maybe it’s not that we shouldn’t be reaching for so much in our lives—maybe it’s just that nobody ever told us that this period was coming. Maybe this is a necessary rite of passage like any other, and like so many others, there is no way to describe what will happen to someone who hasn’t experienced it yet.
May 13, 2008 at 8:44 am
cindy
congratulations on your impending wedding, mome-rath!
you both lead crazy lives, but the crazier they are the more amazing and inspiring they are in my opinion. i think you can do it and do it well. it will inevitably drive you completely crazy (i am in a similar situation though less so), but i think there is an exhilarating feeling attached, too.
on the other hand, i dont even think we realize how crazy or busy everything is when we’re in the middle of it all. only when we’re sitting down and deconstructing our lives for others and they react or when we pause to take a breath and tick through our mental to-do lists when we see, how am i doing so much all at once? it also seems to be an appropriate time in our lives to be this sort of busy. we spent our teenage and early 20s figuring out who we are, we’re spending now building on that and secure in our knowledge of self and working tirelessly to achieve personal goals before the next rite of passage brings on a new set of challenges. i think this is the time in our life when we have the opportunity to truly be selfish and go for our own achievements because you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. and you know what you want, know and have the means to attain it. so why not seize the moment, day, next few years of your life? we may never have a similar opportunity again in our lives!
May 14, 2008 at 8:28 am
Erin
I think if I remember to stop and breathe every so often I will make it through. It’s just those times when I doubt I’d set aside time to blink if it wasn’t an automatic occurrence.
May 14, 2008 at 9:31 am
Mome-rath
Thanks, cindy! I love the silver lining to all the craziness: at the end, you can look back and think about the staggering number of things you’ve accomplished. That alone gives me my second wind!
May 14, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Genevieve
I think a big part of the problem is that we’ve all been told from a very young age that we can do whatever we want and that we’re all successful. The side effect is that we think failure is the end of the world and that if we can’t balance a billion jobs, projects, people, hobbies, etc, then we are simply terrible people. We can all be such perfectionist over-achievers in so many areas of our lives, and it’s easy to over-extend ourselves or take on too much or not know our limits. And then we feel inadequate.
It’s definitely something I’ve struggled with. The best advice I can give is to make yourself your top priority. You will need to relax, you will need alone time, you will need to sleep, so don’t feel guilty about that! I probably sleep more than anyone else in my graduate program, and I try to stop working by 6pm so that I can hang out with friends or by myself, see Steve, eat dinner, enjoy tv programs, relax, etc. every night. And I’m getting better at not feeling guilty about it.
June 10, 2008 at 11:24 am
leslie
I agree with Genevieve, that there are side effects to all of the “you can be/do anything you want to do!” encouragement that our generation received, especially the girls. I don’t think that we SHOULDN’T have been taught that, but I feel like a lot of women our age have internalized that to a point where it turns into feelings of inadequacy and failure, even though it’s really just being reasonable and drawing the line to avoid going crazy!
It’s so hard to take a step back and let go a little bit, without feeling like you’re slacking. I have a friend who is learning this the hard way right now. She’s gotten herself so worked up and anxious and depressed (for no apparent reason, and for the first time in her life) that she is completely nauseous and hasn’t been able to eat for three weeks. She’s struggling to keep food down and gain back some of the weight she’s lost suddenly, and is stuck in a stressed/anxious/nauseous cycle, and is learning to let go and not push herself to feeling crazy.
I like to look at my to-do list (always long) and think: “what will be the consequences if I don’t do this thing today?” Well, for a lot of things, there aren’t consequences. Really, if I don’t clean my house today, if it’s disorganized and messy, oh well… it’ll still be there for me to clean tomorrow. Or next week.