change « the quarter century project

Here we are: 2009. While I don’t think the new year should be the only time we resolve to live our lives a little better, there is for me a sense of starting over, or starting something new on the first day of the year. I’m not heading into any big changes myself – no defined grad school or travel plans, no change in employment… my life is pretty linear at the moment. So for me, a new year’s resolution is not a resolution to bring about any drastic change. Instead, I resolve to be a little more gracious, a little more thankful every day for all the good in my life. I resolve to be more content and less anxious about “the next big thing,” but also to seek out opportunities for learning and enriching my life with more education, art, community. The cold, snowy end of 2008 in Seattle had me thinking a lot about the homeless, and several shootings involving teenagers down the street from my apartment has had me thinking about the health of my neighborhood – I resolve to try and not see people as abstract “issues,” but to be more involved in looking for concrete ways to make my neighborhood and city a better, safer place to live. Those are just some of my thoughts on this blustery January 1. What are your resolutions for the new year?

I am starting to see a theme with my posts. All of these ideas/concepts that I had about myself that as I grow up are changing. Things I never thought I’d do:

cry at weddings
be obsessed with shoes
be obsessedd with sparkly things (jewelry)
be consumed with age/ageing

But now I am and I do. It makes me think that I’ve been much too hard on myself and what I believe I should be and should do. It’s kind of thrown me into this whirlwind of ‘who am i?’ questions. I truly thought I knew who I was and not that I’m not that person anymore, I guess the hard and fast line I drew for myself is not as straight as I thought it’d be for this length of time. However, I guess that one thing I should have known is that people change and what is fundamental to me one year, may not be the next year. Yet, I’m not unhappy with who I am, I just find that as I age my priorities, my views, my perspectives change and I guess I didn’t prepare myself for that. It is hard for me to let go of what I think I should be to just be me. I like control and being in control and the fact that I can’t permanently place myself in a box with concrete sides bothers me.

No. 1 – Crying at weddings: I always used to think “ok, so what’s the big deal, they’re getting married, that’s great, but nothing to cry about.” But now I think, “oh my goodness, they’re always so beautiful and the people are so in love.” I can’t help myself.

No. 2 & 3 – Shoes and Jewelry: I always thought “oh how materialistic to be so consumed with inanimate objects.” But now my heart skips a beat when I see an amazing pair of shoes or a sparkly ring or something like that. What has happened to me????

No. 4 – Ageing: I think society’s obsession with age is definitely starting to get to me. It’s easy to pay no attention to it when you’re young, but the older I get the more I feel like I have less to offer. If I don’t have my youth, what do I have? I always used to look younger than I was and now when I put on a backpack, I don’t look like a student, I just look like a lady with a backpack. I don’t get carded anymore unless it’s policy, like a Red Robin or something. These are insane thoughts to me, yet I think them, daily! What makes me special anymore?

What has this post been about? It’s been about me trying to reconcile who I am now and where I am now, with who I thought I’d be and where I thought I’d be. I like security and I like knowing where I’m headed and all this shows me is that I never really know what is going to happen in the future and that scares me. How do I come to terms with that? How do I let go of all the control I thought I had? What do I do now that I know that I can’t predict the future? How do I separate the ties I’ve created that link youth with uniqueness? I haven’t the slightest idea and that’s where I am currently.

*title of the post from Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode “Once More with Feeling.”